To be a Mother…..

I’ve had a lovely day today. Spoilt by my fantastic hubby last night, treated to a lie in this morning, then presented with cards and chocolates by two little people of the toddler variety.

This afternoon we’ve been out for a lovely dinner and had a random walk in a field. Apparently we were looking for chocolate treasure!!

It was only this afternoon while I was clearing up all the mess created by the tiny tearaways (for the eleventy billionth time!!) that I remembered how very different Mother’s Day was a few years back. And I began to think how different it might still be….

I spent years assuming that I would be able to become a mother the instant we decided to start a family. I spent so many years trying not to get pregnant that I never actually considered how difficult the whole process is.

We put off starting a family for a long time, I wanted to finish my studies, we wanted to move to a quieter area and a bigger house.

The period of time from us deciding to start a family to Lil Man being born was a very difficult one. I fell pregnant four times but none of those pregnancies were meant to be. That awful word, miscarriage. It was hugely draining. I spent many a day feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach, physically and emotionally.

Days like Mother’s Day were unbelieveably difficult. Seeing everyone else celebrating being a mother when it was the one thing I wanted more than ever, but couldn’t be was…..well, I can’t even begin to describe it. I felt happiness for my mum, and my friends and family who were celebrating the day, but also a lot of sadness for what I thought might never be. I thought I knew deep down that I would be a mother one day, but the more time went on the harder that thought was hard to keep hold of.

Thankfully, that thought became reality. Lil Man was born, and later Lil Miss and our life hasn’t been the same since!

I have friends who have suffered the same, and I also have friends who have suffered far worse. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child you’ve given birth to, no matter how old they are. And I can only begin to imagine how hard days like Mother’s Day are when you’ve experienced that. Or how hard it must be when your own mother isn’t around to celebrate with you.

So, today I have been celebrating, but also thinking of and sending my love to all mummies. Particularly…. Those who are yearning, but yet to be mummies. Those who are mummies to angel babies. And those who have spent Mother’s Day missing their mums.

I realise how blessed I am to be a mum to not just one, but two adorable toddlers. I might moan about the lack of sleep. I might moan about the lack of my ability to grow eyes in the back of my head. I might be screaming inside with frustration when I ask one of them a simple question for the tenth time and STILL don’t get an answer. But I also know that they are two of the best things that have ever happened to me!

Kate x

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Comments

  1. says

    Kate,
    You’ve reduced me to tears!
    I’m glad you’ve had a lovely Mother’s Day, as I have to with my tearaways, albeit of the older variety!
    I really understand your pain after having a miscarriage at 11 weeks just after last mother’s day. It’s been a hard day today, should have had 3 cards. Still, I have to be grateful for the 2 I have, but it’s still hard isn’t it?
    Can I just say, it really doesn’t get easier as they are teenagers! But I still love them to bits!
    Donna xx

    • Kate says

      Sorry Donna, didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Yes, we must be grateful, but it’s still a loss no matter how many children you have, so still hard and especially on days such as Mother’s Day. I’m stocking up on the gin for when the teenage years hit, the terrible twos are bad enough!!!

  2. says

    TY hun, No-one here ever thinks about me on mothers day, my lil angel is always with me. Though she was never ‘born’, shes made herself known 🙂 My lil “Maisie”, so insistent, so strong, so far away. xxx

    • Kate says

      You’re welcome sweetie. Although life is a bit busier now and I don’t often get chance to sit down and reflect, I do still remember how difficult those days were *big hugs* xx

  3. says

    Thanks for sharing Kate. I will be an official mother in two months, and it’s nice again to be reassured that it’s all worth it in the end. I also spent lots of time and effort ensuring that I didn’t get pregnant. And then when I did get pregnant, immediately with no failed attempts, I felt like there was so little time to process going from not pregnant and not caring, to all of a sudden, pregnant and there is nothing I can do about it. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I had to remind myself that getting pregnant so quickly was a blessing, not a curse, and that I need to be thankful. Now, two months away, I am in a much better place that I was at the beginning! Thanks for sharing your story.

    • Kate says

      Thanks Claire, I’m so chuffed you’ve popped over to have a little read and I can’t believe it’s gone so quick!!! It is most definitely all worth it in the end. I’ve said plenty of times before, it’s the toughest job I’ve ever had, but it’s also the best! There’s no job satisfaction like being a mum :0) I have friends who thought they never wanted children EVER and even they think it’s the best thing since sliced bread… Unfortunately, the emotional rollercoaster won’t stop, but you won’t regret it x

  4. says

    This post is lovely, it must be such a hard day for so many women. I spent the day happy with my boys but also sad for the miscarriage I am going through, I was really surprised by the couple of points where I got very emotional because it was Mother’s Day. Thank you for sharing your experience and for the reminder of all those who find Mother’s Day incredibly difficult.

    • Kate says

      I’m not surprised you were emotional, it’s hard enough when it’s not as raw as yours is now. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and that it’s happening around such a significant day. I do really appreciate your lovely comment though and as I’ve said before, I’m here if you need x

  5. Msissa says

    Good post, KB. I’ve had a lovely day being a mum and appreciating my own mum, but I’ve also had a little cry for my friend whose daughter lived for just one day. It’s such a hard day, and I never realised before. Now, quick! Go and see what havoc the TT are wreaking!

    • Kate says

      Your friend must have had an extremely tough day :0( I never gave it any thought before we started thinking about a family. But thank you, glad you had a lovely day too x

    • Kate says

      Thanks Fiona. I have to admit, I’m guilty of the same, working mummy bubbles are so busy its hard to make time just to think about and appreciate all we have. You have much more excuse for that than most of us! A great excuse all the same, but still :0)

  6. says

    what a wonderful post and I am so sorry to hear the hurt and pain you suffered. You are right for all the moaning i may do, I am so thankful, grateful and lucky to have my boys and I do take it for granted. I have friends who have been trying for years, sadly without success and I felt terrible when i had to break the news to them twice that I was expecting.
    i am happy you enjoyed your mothers day and am able to celebrate it xx

    • Kate says

      Thanks Jenny. I do my fair share of moaning, but just stopping and thinking about all we went through on the way here really puts everything in perspective. I need to start counting my blessings more often! x

    • Kate says

      Yes, we do. And I couldn’t feel more blessed than I do. It was hard at the time, although I wouldn’t change a thing now. It’s not something I would wish on anyone, but having experienced it makes it easier to understand what others are going through, and at the time it made us change some things for the better. I really hope your friends have some positive news soon x

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